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For those of you who thought the last lot of jokes were pretty poor...which they were...then take a look at these and i promise, if you are normal, you'll be falling off your chair!

However, they are incredibly politically incorrect so please don't be offended by them...they are just jokes!



Q: What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm.

Q: How do you starve a Mexican?
A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots.

Q: Why don't blind people go skydiving?
A: Because it scares the crap out of the dog.

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Christopher Reeve after a fire.

Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: A baby with burst armbands.

Q: What do rednecks and KFC have in common?
A: They both "Do chicken right".

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman in a children's playground!

Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter. It's not going to come to you anyway.

Q: How do you really annoy your girlfriend while having sex?
A: Call her.

Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A: Nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women?
A: Bingo!.

Q: What do you get whan you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch bumhole.

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is pumping her.

Q: Why is it such a drag to screw a cow?
A: You have to climb down from the stool and walk around to the front, every time you want to kiss it.

Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries.

Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A: A sheep.

Q: Why do female elephants have trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings tied to them like most tampons.

Jesus walks into a hotel. He slams down a hammer and some nails on the reception desk and asks, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They just don't listen!

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea.

Two peodophiles on a beach. One turns to the other and says: "Get out of my sun" (works better spoken)

A man was digging in his garden when his next door neighbour approached him and asked, "What are you doing?". "Burying my goldfish"; the man replied. "That's a big hole for a goldfish.", said the neighbour. "Yeah, well, it's inside your cat."

Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

Q: What does a 300lb gerbil do?
A: Puts Gay people up it's arse.

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
A: Drowns

One night, Bob receives a call from the Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I'm afraid I have some bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Bob says, "My God. What's the good news?" "I'm kidding." The doctor says, "She's dead."

A girl and a boy were at the back of a movie theater, kissing passionately. When they came up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?" To this, the girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her tongue was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, " a bit sour."

Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one hits the ground first?
A. Who gives? the outcome is good anyway!?

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: Because he coundn't get his dick out of the chicken.

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery...Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of spastics?
A: Vegetable Soup

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. As he approaches the bar, the bartender exclaims; "Wow man! Where did you get that from!?" To this the parrot replies "Africa. There's millions of them there."

Q: Where does Princess Diana do her shopping?
A: Nowhere, she's dead.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating pussy once in a while too.

Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina?
A: The woman.

Q: What does a redneck say after sex?
A: Thanks Mom.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: How do you know if a woman has an orgasm?
A: Who cares!

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.

Q: Whats the difference between George Michael and a microwave?
A: A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q: Why is my penis bigger than yours?
A: Because I'm jerking off right now.

Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women.

Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your vagina?" "Get Lost! NO you can't smell my vagina!!! "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car. The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like some candy?" The girls looks over and says "My mom told me not to take gifts from strangers....but if you give me $20 I'll suck your dick."

Q: How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed?
A: When the big hand is on the little hand.

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "JESUS CHRIST!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been done by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy

Q: What's red and climbs up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion.

Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".

Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

Q: What do homosexauls and the Battle of Pearl Harbour have in common?
A: Cockpits full of bloody seamen

The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said 'bad dog'.

A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation. Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day." Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!" Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?" Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."

A man starts coming on strongly to his new date. "Excuse me, but isn't it presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date?" "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?"

Q: What's blue and f***s old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A nun on her period.

Q: How do you get a baby to run faster?
A: Chase it with the lawn mower.

Q: What's the difference between george Michael and a microwave?
A: You can't brown your meat in a microwave.

Q: What do you do when your wife comes to you with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You've already warned her twice.

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.

Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.


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