Poisonous Bite
Two snakes were slithering through a field.
One snake turned to the other and asked, "Do you suppose we are poisonous?"
"I don't know", replied the other, "Why?"
"Well I hope not!", said the first, "I just bit my tongue!"
The Bear
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
The Blind Man
A blind man with his trusty "seeing eye dog" walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?"
The blind man replies,"Just looking around."
CATS !
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you fifty for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the fifty i just gave you I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a new dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Poor Snail
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" asks the owner.
"I want a beer," says the snail.
"First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails. So go away!"
The snail begs and pleads for a beer continually getting more and more forceful.
The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.
ONE YEAR LATER....
The owner of the bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What the hell d'ya do that for?!" asks the snail.
David and the Parrot
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg you forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I kindly ask what that poor chicken did?"
Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "It must be printed on the bottom."
At the Zoo
A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away.
The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.
Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know, gorilla things.
As time wore on he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla.
The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"
Then the lion whispered, "Shut-up you idiot, or we'll both get fired!!"
Heckle and Jeckle
Heckle: Did you ever see the Catskill mountains?
Jeckle: No, but I've seen what cats do to mice.
Tongue Twister
Six gray geese on green grass grazing.
Food
Did you hear about the man who swallowed an unplucked goose?
He felt a little down in the mouth.
Feathers
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
I Can
Pat: I can lift an elephant with one hand.
Matt: That's impossible.
Pat: No, it's not. Find me an elephant with one hand and I'll prove it.
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